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Ash & Fern: The Lost Weekend

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You may remember that 9-ish months ago I promised to get Netflix this year as one of my New Year’s Resolutions. A few days ago I realized I was almost out of time and needed to get my shit together. The following is the true account of what transpired last weekend. (Please note all times are estimates, as I generally had absolutely no idea what time it was. Most of the weekend I couldn’t have even told you if it was day or night.)



10:00am: While online at work (of course reading only work related and news-y things) I notice an ad for Netflix on a web page. Interest piqued.

1:00pm: After lunch, I realize I’m still thinking about Netflix. Google “shows that are on Netflix” and become more intrigued. Remind myself that I have a crappy laptop and no efficient way to stream anything. Boo.

1:15pm: Wait, I have a Wii! Somewhere. I brought it when I moved, right? Wonder for a while if a Wii needs batteries. Decide that’s ridiculous. (I now feel the need to briefly defend myself for owning a Wii. I decided several years ago I was going to start playing video games, and the dancing one looked fun on the commercials. Also I’m an idiot.)

My portal to binge watching.

1:20pm: Announce to coworkers that I’m getting Netflix this weekend! They don’t care.

1:21pm-4:30pm: Fidget at my desk and think about how awesome the weekend is going to be. Ignore several texts about potential plans for the weekend.

4:38pm: Arrive home and start looking for the mythical Wii. I eventually realize it must be inside the chest I have been using as a coffee table, otherwise known as where I hid everything I didn’t have a place for after moving. After opening the chest, I courageously kill the spider that is guarding my possessions and find the Wii! Victory!

5:15pm: Why are there so many cables? Vow to not call Ash for help.

5:45pm: Wiis don’t need batteries, but controllers do. Turns out if they’ve been stored in a box for years said batteries might have oozed battery acid. I quickly decide this probably won’t kill me and the problem is solved by taking the batteries out of the small emergency flashlight in my nightstand. Safety first!

6:00pm: I have to connect my Wii to the internet. Which means I need my wireless password. Which means I have to call my cable company because the paper I wrote it down on last time and swore not to lose has clearly been stolen by a very crafty thief. There is nothing worse than calling a cable company, we all know this. I realize while on hold that in addition to needing my password, the Wii actually isn’t locating my network. Yay.

Forgive the grammatical error. It wasn’t us. – Ed.

A million years later: Someone finally answers and fixes both problems. He is nice. In hindsight, I feel bad about the amount of hatred I was feeling for him at the time. Sorry cable company call center guy. Hope you had a good weekend.

7:25pm: I briefly try to search through the list of shows and movies. My patience is shot and I decide to just dive in with Orange is the New Black.

7:29pm: I send my final tweet as a free woman.


8:00pm: After cooking and eating the fastest dinner in the history of the world, I hit play on Season 1 Episode 1.

1:00am: I finish Episode 5. It’s way past my bedtime and I have to meet Ash for a movie in the morning. I can already see how this newfangled Netflix account is going to ruin improve my life.

Watch. Sleep. Repeat.


9:00am: I wake up, super excited to spend all day watching Orange is the New Black. Then I remember I have to go see Maze Runner with Ash. This probably seemed like a good idea 3 days ago when we made the plan. Stupid plans. Fine.

10:45am: Maze Runner. I actually enjoy it. And maybe seeing people and leaving the apartment wasn’t the worst idea ever. I’m remembering what it’s like to do things…uh-oh. Better get home and put a stop to that train of thought!

2:00pm: After a quick lunch, I’m back and ready to hibernate. (I can’t remember how many episodes I got through Saturday afternoon/evening, but I know I finished Season 1, so at least 8. I’d guess probably 10. Ten straight hours of TV should seem like a lot, right? It doesn’t to me. Yikes.)

1:00am??: I call it a night. Seriously, I usually can’t stay up through a show that starts at 10:00. I don’t know what is happening to me.


8:15am: I wake up and spend my usual 15 minutes cranky about how I used to be able to sleep in. Getting old sucks.

8:30am: Briefly think about how I could really use a workout, but give in to the inevitable and hit play. Thinking about going to the gym burns calories right?

9:30am: After 1 episode I get really sad that I’m going to run out soon, so I watch 2 episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

11:45am: Time to order a pizza.

Since I thought about working out, I can eat whatever I want. Science!

12:00pm: It’s back to OITNB. It was a good effort to get away from it, but I’m in deep.

1:00pm-4:00pm: Stupid Colts game! Why do I even care about football? (I won’t lie, if we hadn’t played awesome, I would have abandoned ship in a heartbeat.)

4:00pm-John Oliver: Another marathon session. I just can’t stop. Don’t you love how it keeps track of what your last episode was? I wish my books would do that, I have a terrible habit of forgetting to mark my page. There is one brief stop when my mom calls. She mentions that she’s read the OITNB book. I decide there must not be quite as much sex in the book or she would have stopped reading. I inform her she shouldn’t watch the show.

11:00pm: I watch Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and remember that other things have happened in the world in the last 48 hours. This seems like strange information. It’s probably good that I have to go back to work in the morning.

11:30pm: Three more episodes won’t hurt anything, right?! Screw work!


6:40am: Alarm goes off. I hate my life. And I hate Netflix.

So that was my weekend. I’m not proud of it, but if I’m honest I’ll probably do it again. I’ve still got House of Cards after all!
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