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‘Archer’ Season 5: A Few Secrets Declassified!

New year, great. Resolutions, whatever. The real reason to be excited for 2014, besides once again mocking the Mayans for the big wet shit they took predicting the apocalypse, is the return of Archer. Woo! Season 5 premieres Monday night, which means we just have to get through the longest goddamn Sunday since…some other really long Sunday in history that probably involved Nazis or some quarterback shattering his tibia in a double overtime playoff game. Hahaha. Make a wish, Theismann.

In preparation of this ass-kickingly glorious event (the Archer premiere, not the snapping of Joe Theismann’s balsa wood leg), I attended Archer Live here in Austin last night. Several members of the cast were in attendance, including the gorgeous Aisha Tyler, the incomparably incorrigible H. Jon Benjamin, and the frighteningly authentic Judy Greer.  Among the drinking, the butt dollars (yup), and the ASL interpreters being forced to sign filthy words that would make even Red Fox turn…well…red, several secrets about the upcoming season were revealed. Now, like highly handsome, but probably more-than-a-little incompetent agents of ISIS, I’m going to blab some of this intel all over the cyberweb. Eat a bag of dicks, WikiLeaks!

Now obviously if you intend on remaining completely unspoiled on season five…there’s a good chance you didn’t click on this article in the first place and I’m now just talking to myself. Thanks for making me look like an idiot, you stupid idiots!!!

Still, it bears noting that to read any further is to venture into a spoilery zone of danger. A danger zone of spoilers if you will. You’ve been warned…and Loggins’d.


Returning Characters

One of the things that makes Archer such an amazing show is that, in addition to the regular lineup, they feature some truly phenomenal voice talent to bring to life their ancillary characters and rogues gallery of villains. We have confirmation of some of these dastardly, bastardly, or just plain badass..tardly characters who will be returning this season.

RamonRamon Limon

The classy, but lethal Cuban agent who tried to blackmail Malory Archer with a rather scandalous piece of boudoir filmmaking. Limon is voiced by Ron “Hellboy” Perlman, who will be lending his gravely, Tom-Waits-y tones to the character once more.

Empty Space

Rudy and CharlesRudy and Charles

The most dangerous gay assassin duo since Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. What? Did no one fucking see Diamonds are Forever? Jeez, people, get some goddamn culture! Anyway, Rudy and Charles (voiced by Reno 911’s Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon respectively) return with Ramon. Apparently they’re like besties now. Also, never trust any man who routinely uses the word besties.

Empty Space

Mr. MotoMr. Moto

You know how I know George Takei is awesome? His yakuza boss character Mr. Moto took a bullet in the chest cavity from Malory Archer and lived! He will be making a comeback early in the new season as the gang finds themselves again crossing paths with the Japanese mob. And you know, they’re the yakuza so there will probably also be swords crossed…and shurikens thrown.

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Conway SternConway Stern

After Lana “Truckasaurus” Kane ripped the guy’s hand off (that’s not what Archer meant when he asked you to “disarm him”, Lana…nailed it), Conway Stern vowed we hadn’t seen the last of him. He was right. Executive producer Matt Thompson revealed that Conway will be appearing again this season, but warned we might miss him if we blink. Oh shit, is he a Predator now? Cover yourselves in mud, people! It’s the only way to throw off their heat sensors!



New intro, New Attitude


One of the worst kept secrets thus far regarding the fifth season of Archer is that the show is going in a completely different direction and that the ISIS crew will no longer be spies. Seriously, everybody knows. It’s as if billboards bearing this “surprise” were erected in every major city in America or as if…anyone told Pam even once. Yes, it turns out ISIS was never a sanctioned government agency in the first place so they are stricken of their federal funding, bombed by the FBI, and decide to make ends meet by selling an unbelievable amount of cocaine using Tunt Manor as their base of operations.

What you may not know is that this season’s second episode, which we’ve been told is another rampage episode, will carry with it a brand new opening title sequence. This title sequence will not only play up the new Archer Vice retitling and theme (it’ll be like Don Johnson threw up neon and pastel all over Scarface), but also feature for the first time in the featured cast list Mr. Lucky Yates who voices the conscience-free Dr. Krieger.


The Birth of Cheryline

ARCHER: "Cheryl" as voiced by Judy Greer

So Carol Cheryl whatever the hell her name was has changed her stupid name again. In season five, she’s now called Cheryline and has become, get this, a country music star. It’s true, we can’t make this shit up…but Adam Reed obviously can.

This fantastic aspect of this storyline is that it will also incorporate into the show one of the world’s greatest living musicians: Kenny “Daaaaanger Zone” Loggins! If you’re really quiet, you can actually hear the sound of my erection. In the episode, the pair record a duet country version of that epic Top Gun anthem. Not only that, but Judy Greer actually recorded an entire country album for the new season that will be separately released. I hate country music personally, but it would take an army of feral ocelots with M16s to keep me from purchasing this album. But honestly, if that unholy Ocelot army rises against us I guess the expansion of my musical taste will be the least of my concerns.


Krieger Clones

Krieger Clones

Speaking of unholy things, one of Dr. Krieger’s previously-alluded-to experiments will be a subplot this season on Archer. Remember when Malory made the office go green for the tax benefits and ended up killing Krieger’s…um…test tube Krieger babies? Well for Krieger, apparently that wasn’t enough of a sign from god, or whatever tentacle demon he worships, that maybe his horrific disregard for the laws of nature were unwise. There will be a point during this season in which Dr. Krieger will run into a few individuals who look remarkably familiar. Great, because that’s what we need: more of that guy. Good game, human race.

Late Season Focal Points


We’re not going to give away everything here, because we honor the writers of this series too much…and because the collected members of the cast and crew last night wouldn’t tell us everything. Mostly that first thing though. However, a couple of late-season focal points were hinted at during Archer Live.

First, we WILL find out the father of Lana’s baby. You may recall that season four ended with the shocking revelation that Lana was all kinds of knocked up. Is Archer a baby daddy? You know, besides the wee baby Seamus. By the way, it was revealed by Matt Thompson that the ONLY point of contention the network had with the entire run of Archer so far was the scene in which Seamus was hurled into the air and then caught. Tattoo a toddler? No problem, says FX. But scorn, reproach, and damnation should you play one measly game of Baby Airplane!

Secondly, Archer’s old enemy Barry is ever-looming and will reappear before the final credits roll on this fifth season. You remember Barry, right? The psycho cyborg? He will return to no doubt wreak more of his usual brand of inconvenient havoc.

Thoughts on these revealed secrets? What other hopes and expectations do you harbor for Archer Vice?