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Ash & Fern: Weapon of Choice

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Hey everybody, Ash here.

So this whole buddy cop intro we’re getting makes me want to carry my own weapon. With so many hypothetical options to choose from, I’ve really thought this over. See, while swords and bows-and-arrows are neat and all, let’s be honest, there’s a reason I’m a runner.  I don’t have to handle anything with any athletic ability, I don’t have to use perfect muscle memory to execute maneuvers, I don’t really have to have any hand-eye coordination. So, why pick a weapon that I’m sure to end up using to hurt myself more than my opponent.  Also, lightsabers are out. They’re just basically electric swords.

I’m ruling against guns, bombs, grenades, etc. for moral reasons.  While they make cool effects that I love to see on a movie screen, I tend to frown on use of them in real life.

So, my weapon of choice: a wand. I though about a staff like Gandalf, which is just basically a really big wand, but I like the portability of a small wand.  I can just stick it in my pocket and go.  I don’t need any special abilities to use it besides wit and a knowledge of spells, and I have both of those in spades already. Plus, a wand is useful outside of battle.  Really, what are you going to do with a sword if you’re not fighting? Light it on fire and learn to twirl it?  Whereas a wand lets me not ever get out of my seat to get anything ever again! It’s genius, really.

Don’t you think, Fern?

Hermione Wand

Ash, I respect your choice, I really do.  I love wands.  As you know I’m the proud owner of a Sirius Black wand, purchased at Ollivander’s when we made our pilgrimage to Harry Potter World.  Unfortunately you’ve overlooked one thing; a wand is essentially a fancy twig.  Twigs get snapped in half.  You shouldn’t need scotch tape to fix your ultimate weapon.

Narrowing down my own choices was actually fairly easy.  I’ve watched enough Walking Dead to know that I should stay away from guns and/or anything else that makes loud noises.  Nunchucks are really cool, but I’d probably just end up hitting myself with them.  I actually think you were on the right track with your lightsaber idea, but my skills with technology are embarrassingly limited and I probably wouldn’t be able to turn it on when I needed it.  

The fact is there is only one correct choice here: Sting.  (For anyone not caught up on their Tolkien, Sting is a sword crafted by Elves, found by Bilbo Baggins, and eventually passed on to Frodo. Obviously.)  Yes Sting is small, really just a knife by human standards, but I think a Hobbit sized sword is the way to go for me.  A real sword like Excalibur would probably just tip me over. I realize you might doubt my sword fighting abilities, but you’d be wrong.  I watch A LOT of Spartacus. I’m sure I’ve picked something up.  

Bonus, Sting also glows blue when Orcs are in the area.  I haven’t run into a lot of Orcs in my travels so far, but you can’t be too careful with these things.  And really, not useful outside of battle?  Pretty sure opening a beer with a sword is a pretty badass party trick.

Ok readers, Ash & I are clearly not going to settle this ourselves. Tell us what you think. What is the ultimate weapon from a geek property and why?