Ever since I landed this gig, I’ve wanted to do this list. To give the backstabbing, double and triple crossing dishonest as the day is long weasels we love to hate their time to shine (and then stab me in the back and steal my wallet when I’m not looking). With a scheme in their crooked hearts and a few tricks firmly entrenched up their sleeves, we enjoy watching these slimy no-goodniks lie, cheat, and steal to survive. So without further ado, let’s get on with this celebration of our worst!
5. Grima Wormtongue
You might be wondering why ol’ Wormtongue is making the list over the much more well known weasely Lord of the Rings character Gollum. While Gollum is a much more dynamic and interesting character, Wormtongue more purely exemplifies all the traits we think of when we think of a weasely person. He’s the textbook definition of a weasely character, a sniveling, slimy toadie whose very words are poison in King Théoden’s ears. What makes this punk snake in the grass beat out all of Tolkien’s other creations is the very same reason that he ranks at the bottom of this list. Sure he’s a total weasel through an through, but that’s all he is. He has nothing more to offer the audience than being a weasel, and while that gets him a seat at the table it doesn’t net him anything higher than the number five spot.
4. Alfred Bester
Nothing is more dangerous than giving power and authority to a weasely zealot with a righteous (to him at least) cause. Meet one Alfred Bester, psychic douche-bag with a badge. In the Babylon 5 universe Bester is a member of the Psi Corps, an institution that on the surface was created to help guide and train telepaths once humanity started to develop psychic abilities but in reality is a fascist state within a state (some might even go so far as to say cult) which has slowly been amassing power so they can control humanity from the shadows and conduct forced couplings and consensual as well as non-consensual human experimentation to breed even stronger telepaths. Oh, and they see non-telepaths as subhuman, which is a nice touch.
As a Psi Cop tasked with hunting down rogue telepaths Bester has to make it appear on the surface that whatever he’s doing is in service of all humanity while he manipulates everyone and everything to get at his true objectives. The Babylon 5 crew know he’s the worst kind of scum, but are limited in when and how they can oppose him as he is a legitimate government sanctioned authority figure. And so our little schemer schemes believing that whatever horrible actions he commits are okay as it is all for his beloved Corps. Many people consider Chekov to be Walter Koenig’s defining role, but for me it will always be his turn at the monstrous Bester.
3. Revolver Ocelot (Adamska)
The Metal Gear series is so full of plots within plots that even the people who are into the series still need a reference guide to decipher it all. Still, no matter how wacky or convoluted the series gets, one person is always at the core of what is going on, and that man is Revolver Ocelot. Ever since his introduction in Metal Gear Solid, this fan favorite weasel has been double, triple, and even quadruple crossing everyone to meet his objectives. A crack shot well skilled in the arts of combat and *ahem* “advanced interrogation techniques,” Ocelot is one of the most dangerous people on the planet, but what has given the character his prominence and longevity is the fact that he’s such a scheming weasel.
With so much mystery surrounding the characters, there is still debate among fans in regard to Ocelot’s true nature and role in the series. Some see him as the series’ greatest villain, others claim, that while severely flawed, Ocelot is the true hero of the piece, and then there are the rest who place him all over the moral spectrum. Even in situations where he has been an ally, you can never take him entirely at his word or turn your back to him for very long. The only truth about the man called Ocelot is that he was a great shot, and that when he committed himself to a goal, he was willing to take whatever steps he deemed necessary, regardless of right or wrong, to see it done. Whenever you see Ocelot, you can rest assured that things are going to get more complicated.
2. Mr. McMahon
The world of professional wrestling (or sports entertainment if you want to be all fancy) has had some of the greatest heroic and villainous characters across the generations, but across all that history, one heel stands above them all. WWE’s uber-rich, yet morally bankrupt, Mr. McMahon.
The character of Mr. McMahon began to take form in the fallout of the infamous Montreal Screwjob (yes, that’s really what it’s called, go look it up), where Bret Hart lost the championship belt to Shaun Michaels in a case of staged, as well as real life shenanigans. Other people would opt to duck and cover and wait for the fervor to dial down, but crafty ol’ Vinny Mac surprised us all by turning towards the fire instead of away from it. If the wrestling world saw him as a villain then that is what they were going to get and his on camera persona began to bully and intimidate the superstars to get them to fall in line.
However, Mr. McMahon, as we understand him today, didn’t fully form until his legendary rivalry with Stone Cold Steve Austin. McMahon became an evil puppet master, creating ploys and plots to to screw over and humiliate any wrestler that pissed him off. He wouldn’t fire people, even where he had clear ground to, because he had to break you and make you a fool first. Only after he could declare himself the victor would he kayfabe can somebody.
The real Vincent Kennedy McMahon might not be known for having all that many scruples, but the Mr. McMahon character is a power-mad weasel, willing to screw over friend, foe, and even family to make his dark desires come true. Don’t cross the boss.
1. Starscream
What does it say about a character that is such a weasel that he outranks a real person who has done several real life questionable things? I tried every reason I could think of not to just hand Starscream the top spot, as I thought it might be a little too obvious and easy, but this Decpeticon Seeker would not be denied.
Megatron’s second in command is one of the most popular characters in all of Transformers, and had been featured in heavily in comics, movies,videos games and television shows. No matter which version of the character we get, be it a serious or clownish interpretation, Starscream remains a lying, backstabbing, sack of garbage.
My favorite Decepticon is the Lord High Regent of all Weasels, unshakably vile, corrupt, and relentless in his ambition and pursuit of personal glory. With countless versions across multiple media, we will always stop to watch Starscream try and lie, cheat, and steal his way to the top.
