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Happy Birthday Nicolas Cage! 6 Roles We Wish You Played

Did you like that picture? I think it’s a little off to be honest. There’s just something about it that makes it look…AB-normal!

Where the hell are my rim shots?!

Yeeup, it’s official. Mr. Nicolas Cage is now an old man. On January 7th, 2014, he turned to the ripe old age of 50. That is literally half a century old! It sure looks like this Cage is getting rusty (Yeah, I hate myself). That being said, Cage’s career has been really diverse and interesting to say the least. His roles have ranged from baby kidnapper all the way up to crackhead detective, and everything in between. Usually portraying crazy ass characters, his fame has basically become a cultural phenomenon, especially on the internet. One might say that he has become a… National Treasure!


Okay, no more jokes. I promise!

So in celebration of his long and prosperous career, we’ve decided to give Mr. Cage 6 candles on his cake (costing 10 cents each of course!), and each candle represents a role we wish he played! Why did we give him an extra candle? Well (A) we missed his birthday by a day. And (B)…


So Nicky C., close your eyes, take a deep breath, and make a wish!


1. Meth Crazed Hitler

Adolf Hitler received methamphetamine injections quite regularly, which would probably explain why such a short guy, contained so much Führery (for the record, that sounded better in my head). So who better to portray a crazed man flying on meth that shouts excessively and angrily? I would pay money to see Mr. Cage dawn a Nazi uniform, snort some meth, and just go bat-shit insane for an hour and a half. Just imagine Nic Cage giving one of Hitler’s energetic speeches while throwing his body across the stage like a rag doll. Throw in a poorly done German accent, and you’ve got Nazi gold!


2. Spock


This one would be completely the opposite of his type cast… which is exactly why I want to see it! For a man who runs on a chaos engine, it would just be so bizarre to see him play someone that is completely cold and logical. I personally don’t think he could do it, but it would be quite entertaining to watch scenes where you can tell that he is trying really hard to restrain himself. Although, I do want to see Spock lose his shit for once, and boy can Nicolas Cage lose his shit! Can you envision how awesome it would be to see Nicolas Cage Spock in the sex-crazed Vulcan rage of pon farr? I would give every last dollar I had to watch him running around the Enterprise screaming and humping everyone.


3. Chucky

Come on! A psychopathic serial killer demon doll?! Why HASN’T this happened yet? Chucky has this weird charisma to him that I would have LOVED to see Nic Cage portray. He probably would go all-out psycho, and to see his most absurd faces poorly CG’d on a knife-wielding doll would create an image that would stick with me in my nightmares forever. And the god-awful one-liners would be the worst kind of drivel known to horror films, which is certainly saying something.


4. The Doctor

OKAY, so before you send out your homemade Dalek prototypes to exterminate me, hear me out! GOD FORBID they ever do an American version of Doctor Who. That is something that nobody wants to see, and should never be touched nor entertained as an idea. However, with Elementary basically being the Americanized Sherlock, let’s just entertain this idea for a second. IF there were to be an American Doctor, I would love to see Nicolas Cage have a crack at it. If he dialed his craziness back a bit, and brought out his more intellectual side, I believe he can deliver on the time lord’s fast talking quirkiness.

OR, it could be so unspeakably horrible that it becomes a fixture of our culture, similar to that of Troll 2. Allons-y Doctor Cage!


5. The Joker

If you haven’t figured out already, Mr. Cage is one crazy guy, and nobody embodies crazy like the Joker. If you haven’t seen Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleansin where he plays a cracked out detective, let’s just say that there is something almost Joker-esque about his performance. Not necessarily a Heath Ledger Joker, but leaning more towards a Jack Nicholson Joker. Also, I feel like he can add a little bit of flamboyancy to make the Joker closer to that of what we see in Batman: The Animated Series. I’ll just let this video speak for itself.



6. Gollum/Smeagol

I love me some Andy Serkis. I really do, and it is a CRIME that he didn’t get the recognition he deserved for this role. But damn it, would I kill to see Nicolas Cage have a crack at portraying a creature with a multiple personality disorder. To see him talk to himself in two distinct yet equally grating voices and contort his body in an inhumanly manner would be worth the price of admission alone. In fact, forget The Hobbit, let’s just have the movie be about the adventures of Gollum, played by Nicolas Cage! That would be quite… precious.


So fellow OOUies, why don’t you wish Mr.Cage a happy birthday by telling us what roles you want to see him play! Whatever your thoughts, comment below and let One of Us know!