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My (Non)Gamer Shame – Part 2: Technology is My Nemesis

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While I was epically struggling to submit my recent post about my inability to play video games (seriously, I ultimately had to text our fearless leader Brian for help), I realized that perhaps blaming my gameless childhood might be an oversimplification of the problem. My lack of practice may not actually be the issue here.* I may in fact be allergic to technology.

*My mother has asked for an apology for blaming her. Additionally I was informed that my video game ban came from her knowledge that people “sometimes die from gaming marathons.” Apparently there is no middle ground here and the only two options are a complete ban or death. This seems extremely suspect to me, but I suppose I am willing to issue a half apology in light of this being an attempt to save my young life. So Mom, I’m sorry-ish.

Overall this is a frightening (if not completely surprising) realization. You know what’s even worse and more embarrassing than a geek who isn’t a gamer? One who wouldn’t even know how to hook up the gaming system. The one system I do own (a Wii, possibly purchased to play Just Dance so I don’t have to go to the gym) has been sitting in a box since I moved into my current apartment. Six months ago. Ash promised to come hook it up for me, but I’m guessing she expected that I would figure it out eventually. Wrong. The only reason my DVD player is hooked up is because they come with those handy color coded wires. Are those called wires? Cords? See what I’m dealing with here?

Let’s talk cars. I drive a Toyota Corolla, a car chosen in no small part due to the fact that it is uncomplicated. I was recently out running errands and noticed that one of the little lights on my dashboard was on. Since I was close to the dealership, I decided to just stop by and save myself an hour of looking through the manual or a very uncomfortable phone call in which I would try to describe which light was on. Here’s what transpired at the dealership:

Me: One of my indicator lights is on, can you check it please?

Toyota Dealership Guy (TDG): Which light?

Me: (Shit.) The one that looks like a butt crack?

TDG: (Blank stare…awkward silence)  …HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yep. Probably should have gone with the uncomfortable phone call. Turns out it was just my tire pressure, but how the heck am I supposed to know that?!

Tire Pressure Light

I know what you’re thinking. Phones. Surely she can use her phone right? I mean I did ultimately get the last post up (and I’m assuming this one too, fingers crossed!), so obviously my texts to Brian were successful! Well yes and no. I can use my phone as long as all conditions are perfect. But as soon as something goes wrong, it’s a disaster. About a year ago I was sitting at my desk at work and dropped my phone onto our very hard floor. The screen wasn’t cracked, in fact it looked perfect, but it was dead. I mean dead.

I spent the better part of my workday (sorry boss) attempting to revive it. There are only 4 buttons on an iPhone, but you better believe I was pushing every combination of them while praying to the phone gods. Coworkers tried to help, only proving that my technology allergy actually spreads to the objects themselves. I made the dreaded call (using my office phone like it was the Stone Age) to find out if I had insurance. Of course not, why would I need that? I’m only kryptonite to all electronic devices.

Dead phoneSo I came to terms with my new reality. I was about to drop big time $$$ on a new phone. I dragged myself to the store after work, tail between my legs, ready to buy a new phone I couldn’t afford. And the phone store clerk, who was approximately 12 years old and texting on her own phone the whole time, turned my DEAD phone back on in less than 3 seconds. WTF? All day I tried those same buttons. ALL DAY!

Luckily there is some good news for people like me. While technology is getting more complicated, it is also getting much simpler. Most new gadgets only involve an ON/OFF button. This is great, but I can still screw it up. Just this afternoon I couldn’t figure out if I’d turned my office’s alarm system on (again, sorry boss) despite a rather simple display that says “Armed” or “Disarmed” at any given time. When at home, I generally end up unplugging things just to be safe. This of course leads to the clocks ALWAYS being wrong on my microwave, oven, DVD player, etc. But, I think we are on our way to technology that I can simply command. (Not like Siri, me and Siri DO NOT get along. More like a nice and cooperative Cylon.) In the meantime I will continue to imagine a day when I can go to Best Buy and come out with a new TV and not feel like a complete moron. I can dream, can’t I?