Highly Suspect Reviews: ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ | One of Us

Highly Suspect Reviews: ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

31 Submitted by on Thu, 07 August 2014, 13:01
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They’re the world’s most fearsome film reviewers.

OneOfUs Unusual Suspects

They’re heroes who are half-drunk, and they’re mean (to bad movies)

OneOfUs Unusual Suspects

When the evil Hollywood machine attacks, these Unusual Suspects don’t cut ’em no slack.

 

Would Brian, Chris, J.C., Richard, or Ed find something to like about this latest mutation of the evergreen (rimshot) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise? Or would Jonathan Liebesman prove to be just as inept a filmmaker here as he has his entire career? Not to mention, let’s face it, no small amount of influence from the Bay-hemoth himself!

Crawl into your favorite sewer, cuddle up next to your furry rodent sensei, and prepare for this Highly Suspect review, dudes!

 

 

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Written by

Brian is a four-year veteran of the interwebs, a member of The Austin Film Critics Association, and currently writes for Film School Rejects, Movie Pilot, Movies.com, and Fandango. An obsessive consumer of film, Brian loves everything from Buster Keaton to 80s post-apocalyptic sci-fi. He’s also a diehard Indianapolis Colts fan and collects VHS, laser discs, and classic game systems. An eighth-level geek overlord, Brian is one of the founders of OneOfUs.net, the brainchild of he and partner in crime Christopher Lawrence Cox. Brian cohosts both the Inside the Locker and Digital Noise podcasts.
  • B. Alex Thompson

    01:47 – I’m a huge TMNT fan and I thought the trailers looked fun. Though I haven’t watched the film yet, I thought maybe you were being too hard on it. That is until you started naming off films I hate with a passion. After looking up Jonathan Liebesman’s filmography my heart sank. I think I need a drink now. 🙁

  • Darkman220

    Battle Los Angeles was stupid but I really like the movie and hearing how bad this movie makes me glad that the free 3d screening movie was sold out that I missed out on yesterday

  • B. Alex Thompson

    15:40- Well said. Go ahead and drop the mic, good sir.

  • shadeybaby

    Brian, you are on fucking point with that McDonald’s rant. If there’s anything I hate more than people who go “These turtles look nothing like the cartoon/movie, they’re raping my childhood”, it’s people who go “TMNT is a stupid idea, it’s big turtles who practice martial arts, what did you expect?” Yeah, and THE DARK KNIGHT was about a guy who dresses up as a bat and fights a guy who dresses up as a clown. Look how “stupid” that turned out.

  • Joedcomp

    I had a feeling this would be shit. Even when everyone was going on about the “Elevator rap scene”,and maybe it would be good, I knew this would be one of those case that the trailer was better then the film.

    Now I just hope it doesn’t beat Guardians of the Galaxy in the box office. Because I really fear the same people who went to see T4 will see this as well.

  • Austin

    I thought it would be bad, but I didnt think it would be that bad

  • Jean-François Martel

    She was decent at best in Jennifer’s body but the movie would have been tons better if they’d had a lead with a minimum of charisma and the ability to have chemistry with other people.

    • sonicjrjr14 .

      I liked her in This is 40 as well.

  • Ryan Naughton

    Wow. Brian was pissed.

  • Jean-François Martel

    rich people trying to get rich by putting the lives of other in danger? That’s actually the most realistic thing i have heard about this movie so far.

  • Angelo Elauria

    Noooooo! I was actually excited to see this movie :/ Guess I’ll have to see Guardians of the Galaxy again.

  • William Robert Ryan

    i’m seeing this massive turd tomorrow. god i hope i like it better than you guys.

  • TheOtherDude92

    I was never a fan of the turtles, but even I can say that you can do something good with them like the new show which while it pokes fun at the source material, they still put effort into the making it a good show. This just sounds like they gave no fucks.

  • RoverRandom

    Well, let me think. Watch this piece of shit, or watch GOTG again this weekend. I will give my money to GOTG

  • Martial Habimana

    So Micheal Bay pulled yet another Micheal Bay? *Sigh* I actually thought this would be good…

    But whatever, like every Bay film it will probably make its money back and then some.

  • Williamgunter

    This review is hilarious! When I saw Megan on Jimmy Fallon playing pictionary and her phrase was Frog in your throat. She literally said I forget what they( frogs) look like.

  • Wooaahdude

    I’m not into the look of the turtles or the desaturated look of the film in general.
    I mean how hard is it?

  • Murtuza Akailvi

    whats with high school dropout hate?

    • sonicjrjr14 .

      Unless it’s because of a job offer, dropping out of high school is a very stupid thing to do. I can kind of understand if it were college, but to survive in the real world you need AT LEAST a diploma otherwise you’ll get looked down on as a loser.

  • JayEpix

    shieeeeeeeeeeet cuuuuud and damn, no other review, not one, was as mean to this movie as this one like fuuuuucking michael bay are you ok!? cuantos dedos!?

  • JayEpix

    i gotta say i totally disagree with the voice acting thing I thought it was all pretty good, the actors in mocap where clearly trying. If i had any issue with the CG stuff like Shredder was basically the Silver Samarai from Wolverine and Japenese Megatron, lots of CG overload but the actors were all trying clearly.

  • sonicjrjr14 .

    I agree this movie sucked (shocker, i know), but I think you guys were too hard on Megan Fox. I actually thought she played a decent April O’Neil. Sure there are better casting choices, but she didn’t look “dead” as you guys put it.
    And as for the “kids won’t relate to the woman trying to break the glass ceiling because she’s sick of being oversexualized at her news job”, um…Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, anyone?

    • Brian_Salisbury

      Apples and oranges, my friend. My point is that the argument “it’s for kids” is used to excuse a lot of complete bed-shitting on the part of the writers in many cases (see George Lucas’ similar defense of Episode I for reference). Cloudy had phenomenal writing with plenty to appeal to both adults and kids and NEVER had to use “it’s for kids, that’s why you don’t like it” crutch. I take exception to a masterpiece like CLOUDY being compared to this steaming turd-burger

      • sonicjrjr14 .

        Trust me, I’m not saying that TMNT’s writing is up to par with Cloudy nor that it deserves a pass because “hey, it’s for kids” (which it really isn’t due to its PG-13 rating). I’m just saying the concept of women succeeding in the workplace despite their looks isn’t hard for a kid to comprehend.

  • Julien Hemmendinger

    Yes Brian all reviews come with pizza and vice versa.

  • Julien Hemmendinger

    AWWWW YEAA BRIAN, CHRIS! PREEACH!

  • TheProjectionist

    *raises hands* Preach it, Brian! Preach it!

  • Mateo Tarrats

    Michael Bay has obviously never been to anywhere in Upstate NY as the mountains they are sliding down are the Rockies or the Pyrenees or something. The Adirondacks especially the southern Catskills look NOTHING like that and That was the Least offensive part of this movie

  • JoeBear33

    A good line of dialog to show you how bad the script is when April shows up at the bad guys house he says “looks like April has come early this year.” shakes head.

  • JoeBear33

    I wish the writers and voice actors from the show currently on Nick had worked on this movie, because it’s great. Also the current Comic book run is amazing. This movie not so much. It felt like the writers read the cliff notes version of TMNT but didn’t dive too deep. We got Raph trying to be the alpha but realizing he needs his family. We only got a surface level of this. His speech at the end where he is like sorry I pushed you guys I did it to make you guys better held no weight because we never actually saw that. That’s my main gripe about this movie. It’s called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but it should of been called April O’Neil. I know the title and premise seems silly but I’m tired of people saying you shouldn’t expect anything exceptional. Planet of the Apes is just as implausible and ridiculous if you ask me but they had good writers and a director that took it serious and it worked. I wish TMNT could get the same treatment but now that this movie is a box office success we will get shit sequel after shit sequel because people will flock to shit. Sad world.

  • Steve Found

    Hey Brian, fear not; I managed to get my hands on an extra special edition, the cut they didn’t want you (or anyone) to see. I feel that although this doesn’t keep in true tradition with the original, it does improve on the usual ‘Bayisms’ that perennially dog his cinematic outings:
    https://www.facebook.com/erlmahr/videos/434398196707568/