Wow, this is embarrassing. I was on my roof today trying to access my neighbor’s internet, because well, the OOU masters pay me in gum and whip-lashes, so I can’t afford my own. It was really cold this morning, and apparently, the dew on my roof was frozen. I slipped and fell, and now my head is stuck in the gutter (There’s so much gunk in here! I should really clean it…).
While I was in here, waiting for the ambulance to stop laughing and come to my aid, I opened my laptop and popped in my copy of Shame. What is this film about? Well it’s about a guy who has a sex addiction. The first thing I thought was, “Wow, I would never want my sex life to be adequately summed up by the movie Shame.” My next thought was, “Well, what movies could make for an AWESOME assessment of my sex life?” So without further adieu, here are 6 films you could use to describe your AWESOME sex life…well… more or less:
1. The Dark Knight Rises
“Ah yes! I wondered what would break first. Your spirit… or your body.”
Not only could the title serve as a metaphor for an erection, but bachelor Bruce Wayne has faced a struggle that you or I would fight. You used to be at the top of your game, and everyone would swoon at the mere mention of your name. You would always go out at night, and come home the next morning covered in scratches and bruises. But then… (s)he had to ruin everything. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. That maniacal person you dated who wears WAY too much makeup (some might even say (s)he looked like a clown). (S)he screwed your best friend and drove him crazy, and then (s)he broke you down. After that, you went through an 8-year dry spell. But then, a new person with a face shrouded behind a mysterious mask catches your attention, and apparently, you guys went to the same school of shadows! Surprisingly enough, your Dark Knight Rises again!
2. Passion of the Christ
Nope. Try again. – Editors
2. The Hunger Games
“May the odds be forever be in your favor…in bed!”
Maybe you’ve been in this situation. Your best friend was unfortunate enough to win the lottery that is the heart of an ugly, dirty, and smelly man. Because you’re a good friend , you decided to bite the bullet and volunteer as tribute by wooing him away. Fortunately, it was a one night stand. Unfortunately, he told all his friends, and now they want to holler at you. So then you asked your cake-decorating best friend to pretend to be your lover, just so people can leave you alone. But what’s this? Oh no! (S)he’s starting to fall for you! You don’t see your friend that way, and also there’s someone else. Now, all you can do is survive this brutal world of awkwardness.
3. Fight Club
“First rule of last night… don’t talk about last night. Second rule of last night… don’t talk about last night.”
No, I’m not talking about a club were people channel all their “aggression” towards each other. All people have that Tyler Durden or Skyler Durden inside them (phrasing!). (S)he’s sexy, confident, and knows how to make soap which means (s)he’s pretty clean. (S)he is everything that you are deep down inside, but in reality, you’re an awkward person that goes to support groups and preys on the emotionally vulnerable. It’s not until Marla/Marlon Singer comes along, and calls you out on your bullshit. One night, (S)he comes over and you let loose your inner Skyler/Tyler Durden. The next day, you try to dismiss that person, and pretend like that night never happened, and claim that (s)he was with someone else. Like a boss.
4. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
“There are two kinds of people in this world. Those with loaded guns. And those who dig…”
The title itself is pretty succinct and could serve as a description. There are some good nights, some bad nights, and some ugly nights that end in a hangover and an unappealing face to wake up to in the morning. On a deeper level (no pun intended), perhaps you used to have great sex with a partner, so much so, that you ended up in a domestic relationship. However, the relationship went sour due to disagreements about the division of labor and who handles the money. One person’s neck is on the line after all. In the heat of the moment, just when one is about to kill the other, the landlord decided to increase the rent, and seeing as you both love this nice apartment, you realize the only way they can afford it is together. Also, there is another person who wants this apartment. After countless double crossings and back stabbings, in the end, it ends with one guy dead, a break up, and someone screaming “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? A DIRTY SON OF A BI-” while the other rides off into the sun.
“We have to go deeper“
We’ve all been here. There’s this sexy person that makes you all kinds of crazy. So much so that you lose your own sense of reality. You even mastered the act of lucid dreaming, just so you can play with him/her in your dreams, and keep that person locked up in the basement floor of a honeymoon suite. Finally the opportunity presents itself, and you score a date! Sadly, this date is overly complicated, and makes you jump through all kinds of hoops just to get in to the bedroom. After this long and emotional journey, how does the night end? Well, (s)he invites you to the bedroom, turns you on, and says “Hold on, let me change in to something that I think you’re REALLY going to like.” (S)he proceeds in to the closet and then… never comes out. You’re just left hanging there, head forever spinning, and now you’re just confused as you attempt to re-evaluate the events of that night, and try to figure out what those last words could even possibly mean. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE… it was all a dream.
6. The Hunt For Red October
“Y’know, I seen me a mermaid once. I even seen me a shark eat an octopus. But I ain’t never seen no phantom Russian submarine.”
This one may sound pretty weird, but I assure that it has nothing to do with menstrual cycles. It would be easy to say that this is a hunt for the D. A submarine is pretty much a phallus after all. But it doesn’t have to be! Because just like my ex-girlfriend, it goes both ways (although, maybe I was the reason why she became a little bi- curious). Perhaps you were dating someone, and all of a sudden you decide to run away from this person. You want to be with your true love: the one that you felt guilty about having a one night stand with. However, you aren’t what someone would call a ‘good guy’, because you have been sneaking around using your caterpillar drive, which is why you have been undetectable. The problem is, you’re a changed man, and now you want to defect and settle down with your true love. Heartbroken (and admittedly insane), you’re current ex decided to hire a legion of hitmen to take you out. Sadly, your true love discovers that you may be on the loose with the intention to attack his/her heart once again. So (s)he too hires a bunch of hitmen to take you out. Old habits die hard, and your caterpillar drive is failing, making you detectable because everyone is talking about it, allowing these hitmen to pinpoint your location. You begin to run on this deadly game of two cats one mouse. This is where your true love’s best friend comes in. After analyzing a bunch of ripped up love letters you sent to the one who stole your heart, (s)he begins to suspect that maybe you sincerely have changed. You honestly just want to retire from this life of sneaking around with your now ex, just so you can be with your true love. So now, (s)he needs to find you and absolve this issue before it is too late…
So fellow OOUies, what’s a movie title that you would use to describe an awesome sex life? Whatever they are, comment below and let One of Us know!
P.S. You want to know what’s better than an awesome sex life? Drama that is one of Audio. And boy do we got a steamy one for you! One might say that it’s… Infinitely better than all the hot dates you will have in your entire life put together. CHECK IT.